Which statement provides an analysis of how the treatment of Akaky by the young officials helps develop a central theme of the text?

Which sentence should be revised to include vivid imagery

Usually, when people talk about "rocky” relationships, it’s with a frown, but mine has enriched my life. i became fascinated with rocks when i was really young, and throughout my childhood you could usually find me with my pockets bulging from whatever stony treasures i’d scavenged that day. when my science teacher taught us a unit on geology, i realized that my fascination could become an exciting career that could also me make good money. obtaining an internship to work on the geological exhibit at the museum is an important step on my road to being a geologist. the best description of the writer’s point of view is that the person is eager to make a lot of money in a museum internship. insistent that geology should be taught as part of every science course. hopeful to be able to further the goal of eventually becoming a geologist. concerned that people do not generally relate well to the study of geology.

If one writes logically, he will prove his point. is this sentence correct or contains an unwarranted shift in person?