Why is our society falling apart?

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Commander mckee checked the dials and switches in the shuttle cockpit and determined that they were functioning normally. he then tested the communications systems that connected his ship with the mission control headquarters. he checked the fuel gauges and saw that there was enough fuel for the months-long trip to saturn. all of the other gauges and meters checked out normal, and the idling engines gave off a strong, reassuring hum. after a final glance around, mckee declared that the shuttle was finally ready for takeoff. he readied the brave astronauts under his command and the ground crew alertly awaiting the launch. the rocket took off and, racing through space, eventually arrived at saturn, where commander mckee and his assistants built the first successful human colony. 126 words, 9.8 flesch, 1180 lexile how could a change in emphasis best develop the events in this passage, making for a more interesting and exciting read?

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Is conciseness and formality more of a courtesy than a requirement in an adjustment letter