Can someone help give me pointers to make my piece stronger ? I am writing a proposal story and how we met story for my wedding invitations. I know they can be better worded and detailed. How we met

It’s was fall of 2013. David and Jasmin both started their first semesters at Monroe college. Their first encounter happened on the bus ride to the first football game of the season. Jasmin was with her best friend Janese and they were the last ones on the bus and there were no empty seats. Jasmin noticed a very handsome David sitting by himself and sat down next to him. The whole ride she waited for him to say something to her but he never did. She was texting her best friend who was a few seats down complaining about why he won’t talk to her for most of the ride. It turns out David thought Jasmin looked mean so he was nervous to say anything. The bus arrived at the game and they both went their separate ways.

About a week later David was walking out of Allison having a conversation with Mr. H the dorm manager. He notices Jasmin and her friend walking into the building and plans to make a move this time. Jasmin wasn’t paying him no mind as she was wrapped up in conversation with her friend. David decided to grab her arm as they crossed paths. They both turned around and stared at each other, and it felt like the world had stopped spinning. Jasmin didn’t even remember him from the bus or realize it was the same boy, but she was in awe that this good looking man wanted her attention. They were both mid conversation and kept walking in opposite directions. David thought to himself wow she’s beautiful I need to get to know her. All Jasmin could talk about for the next few days was how she had to find that boy that grabbed her arm.

Proposal story

We were in Atlantic City for Jasmins 25th birthday. We didn’t get there until really late almost 11pm. We quickly checked in and rushed to the hotel room to settle in and get ready to go out for the night. Although we were supposed to bring in her birthday at 12 with our friends Jasmin was just not going to be ready on time. So at 12 she was still in the bathroom just getting out the shower beginning to work on her make up.

David planned on proposing in front of her friends and family but he just counts not wait anymore. He had brought Jasmin an ice cream cake and he lit the candle. “Babe come blow out the candle”, he called to her from the living room in their suite. She said okay but was wrapped up in trying to get ready. “Hurry up the candles are almost gone”. She finally comes out still not ready.

He starts singing happy birthday to her and she’s dancing around to the song. When she blows out the candle she starts to read the cake. The cake didn’t hold up too well and was very melted. Jasmin struggled to read it for a few seconds and then she finally figured it out, “Happy Birthday Bae now marry me” she was shocked and turned around to him. David was down on one knee holding out a ring. Tears of joy start streaming down Jasmin’s face. “Yes!”

It was a perfect moment full of romance and just the two of them. We wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Finally a few days later they exchanged words for the first time. It evening and David and Jasmin crossed paths while walking down Main Street. Once they noticed each other they greeted with a hug like they have been friends for a long time. They spoke and decided to walk over to the laser tag event being held at the MAC. Jasmin ended up leaving though him and his friends already had a team and she didn’t want to get in the way.

It wasn’t until a night after a club event they ran into each other back at the dorms. They finally had they’re first moments of real alone time and they sat in a hallway and talked for hours. They had such great conversation and learned so much about each other. From then on it was history.