SOME MORE DARK HUMOR 1. “Siri, why am I still single?!” Siri activates front camera.
2. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.
3. What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say?
T-Rex, I’m coming for my hug!
4. What does my dad have in common with Nemo?
They both can’t be found.
5. Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick.
6. It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my good friends would still be alive.
7. My husbando is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
8. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.
9. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
11. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
12. The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.
13. You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example.
14. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.
15. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet? None. Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate.
18. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
19. “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” “To the morgue.” “What? But I’m not dead yet!” “And we’re not there yet.”
20. When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
21. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
22. What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.

25. My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

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30. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

33. “I have good and bad news,” the doctor said to his patient. “Give me the good news first,” the patient said. “Your test results are back,” the doctor said, “and you have only two days to live.” “That’s the good news?” the patient exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?” “I’ve been trying to reach you for two days.”
34. My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.