Ineed opinions, how does this intro sound? writing for a state-contest about my steampunk character. : )

the air was thick, smoke hung heavy around all the buildings and ships in their air docks. “i bet you i’ll be up there one day.” a strange girl said, her body completely covered in a dark black latex, its surface shimmered in the dull light. she had army-grade boots, with sheened leggings hiding every part of her legs, a rubbery skirt perked out at her hips and stopped at her mid calves. long tight sleeves covered her thin arms, her hands even hidden under black gloves.
her face was never to be seen, a material like silicone that was black as ink covered her whole head, a muzzle-like extension poked out of the smooth shape, with a bronze filter on the end. two wide purple circles looked like hollow eyes on her “face”.
a strange cat lay on the girl’s boot, it was all skin except for an extreme amount of fluff sticking out from its underside like the skirt of a rug. it meowed and rubbed it’s head on her legs. “come on simmy.” said the girl, picking the cat up in her gloved hands.
people walked along the docks, mainly greasy men covered in oils who stank of metal and smoke, the girl reveled in the smell. oh how she would love to work on the beautiful air ships, how they creaked quietly in the sky above her, puffing out clouds of smoke as their engines roared deep in their metal bellies.
“watch it! ” a man barked, almost smacking simina with a large metal pole.

With all honestly, I would say, the following. Very good description and character design. Now, the description of the environments requires details because a reader would expect the same amount of detail in all the descriptions. Nevertheless, we don't know the reason o her being there, and the narrator has a value judgment bias over certain elements. So be sure to clear his bias providing fundaments about his beliefs or give him a more arbitrary perspective. This way you are going to avoid, a judgment that is very penalized in social environments. We look for empathy and explanation of our postures, not dogmatic/ closed opinions without explanations.

Explanation:

All right, here I go first why does the narrator qualify her as strange? don´t you consider that it is very discriminatory? Narrators have to have strong solid arbitrary postures, check out Stephen king's and Neil Gaiman's suggestions on how to write.

Second, the description is amazing, it's very detailed and not biased at all. However the fact her face was never to be seen needs to be explained right after the confession, to increase the suspense. Hiding it from the audience might seem nice, but if you provide the reason why you increase the profile, background, and suspense. "Her face was never to be seen, or her life would be at risk at the first moment." "Her face was never to be seen, otherwise people would panic and run from the place". "Her skin was never to be seen, or she would have to start killing the witnesses". Sound more powerful, and provides a shadier background.

Third, the part of the cat shows her psychological protective and gentile true personality under all that protection from the world. Very good touch.

Fourth her daydream moment was perfect, as you can see how he has a goal and that goals make her lose the floor.

With all honestly, I would say, the following. Very good description and character design. Now, the description of the environments requires details because a reader would expect the same amount of detail in all the descriptions. Nevertheless, we don't know the reason o her being there, and the narrator has a value judgment bias over certain elements. So be sure to clear his bias providing fundaments about his beliefs or give him a more arbitrary perspective. This way you are going to avoid, a judgment that is very penalized in social environments. We look for empathy and explanation of our postures, not dogmatic/ closed opinions without explanations.

a personal narrative essay is about a personal experience, so it is usually written in the first person. to maximize its impact, the essay should: be written to have an emotional impact on the reader. include a lot of references to sensory perceptions and hope i